Capsaicin
by tore-my-yellow-dress
Summary: In which Will Gardner gets a gold star for trying, and Alicia is more embarrassed than she was when she gave her children The Talk.


**A/N- This is for Chrissie because she's freaking awesome. Also, I'm not one for crack!fic, but this is as close as I'll ever come. I forewarn, there's some light mention of miscarriage in the beginning of this fic, so if that triggers you at all, know it's there. But despite that, this is my attempt at funny. *flounces away* **

* * *

Alicia's groan is muffled into her sweaty hand, fresh tears springing in her eyes as she doubles over, burying her head into Will's chest. His concentration is solely on her, mouth deep set as he tries to soothe her as best her can, nearly rocks her with each painful jerk she gives. "I'm so sorry," is all he can say, even as she sniffles, wiping underneath the rims of her eyelashes to clean the smeared makeup.

"We didn't _know," _her lips quiver, mossy eyes fixing him with a hard, pain induced look. "Will, stop _looking _at me like that. It's not your fault, it's-

"Mr. Gardner?" a nurse calls, and Will stands from the uncomfortable, plastic chair, bringing Alicia with him, draping an arm around her to guide her.

Each step is painful for her, and someone in a nearby seat winces at the way Alicia looks, pale and sick. "Oh," Alicia moans, closing her eyes.

She's not whiner, not as a rule, but the _pain _is just-

"Here, lay down," Will tries to help her, as they get to the plastic sheet covered mattresses, separated by a thin curtains. The ER is unimaginably cold, and Alicia shakes her head seriously.

"That's going to make it worse. It's better if I just sit."

He nods, helps her up, one wide hand running over the soft flesh of her elbow.

"I'm so sorry," he says for the umpteenth time. Alicia's eyes flash in frustration, and before she can growl out a response, the nurse stands at the foot of the cubicle, clicking a pen to start writing.

"So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Gardner?"

"It's not me, it's my-

Will stops, looking at her pointedly, mouth struggling to produce the best label, the best-

"I'm his girlfriend," Alicia explains, rolling her eyes and gritting her teeth against the pain. Her thighs are quivering from the strain. The nurse, a woman in her sixties, raises an eyebrow at the couple. She takes note that Alicia has to be in her early forties, and from the way she's doubled over-

"Ah, well. Right. How silly of me." The nurse flips back through the paperwork Alicia filled out. "It's obvious a he is a she. There's the date of your last period, and-

The nurse stops, making her face blank like she knows how, like she's supposed to. "Ma'am, do you believe you're having a miscarriage?"

Alicia's jaw goes slack, even through the pain, eyes widening in horror.

"No-

"_No," _Alicia cries sharply, at the same time Will answers for her, and they meet eyes. A deep curve of discomfort settles in Alicia's chest, because no, _no, _it's not that, but from the way she's doubled over, it must look like- Alicia sits up a little straighter, dusting off her pants and trying to quell the urge to bawl like a child because of the sensations, the nerve endings igniting.

"Well, then," the nurse tries to understand. "What seems to be the problem?"

"It's," Alicia inhales sharply, biting her lip. "It's an intimate problem."

The older woman rolls one of her pin curls behind her ear, narrowing her eyes. "Is it a problem you don't feel comfortable discussing in front of-

"No, no." Alicia closes her eyes, looking at Will for help. They share a look, where she's asking him to explain for her, because she can't say it all with a straight face, can't admit that-

"We went to dinner," Will starts, looking at the RN with all the dignity in the world. "We had Thai."

"Oh," the nurse's eyes widen, not even trying to keep a schooled look on her face. "So, ma'am, you're having bowel prob-

"Nope," Alicia barks, burying her head in her hands because her cheeks are a nice shade of tomato. "That's not it."

But then the nurse takes in the appearance of the couple, really takes it in.

Mr. Gardner's shirt is buttoned through the wrong holes, and the woman with the issues has her hair wild, barely fixed, wearing sweatpants, and the woman doesn't seem the type to just waltz around with sweatpants on, so-

"Okay," the older woman sighs. "I think I understand where this is going. When you and she were…_intimate, _spices from the food transferred from your hands to her sensitive places, and-

"No," Will juts in, and this time Alicia fixes him with a look, eyebrows furrowed.

"Will, that's what happened," she whispers, crossing her legs tighter against the burning.

"No, it's _not," _Will hisses, pinching the bridge of his curved nose.

The nurse cocks her head. "Would you like to explain, Mr. Gardner?"

"I scrubbed my hands clean, Leesh," he talks directly to her, trying to convey his apology, his sorrow. "I always make sure to."

"Will-," Alicia gasps, cheeks flaming at the realization that he's going to go there, that he's affronted at the mere prospect of not _taking care_ of her.

"But I didn't think about the residue still being _on my tongue," _Will groans, shaking his head at her in despair. Alicia thinks she might vomit from the embarrassment, because-

"Alright," the nurse chokes, trying to steel herself against the urge to fall out in the floor laughing. "I think I got the whole story now."

"Yeah," Alicia whispers weakly, rolling her head to the side. "I think you do."

"Sweetie," the nurse sasses, knowing she's out of line, but can't help herself. "Your man went to have some dessert after dinner. There isn't anything to be ashamed of here. Now, I'm going to go speak with the attending, and I'll come back with a prescription for some ointments that you can go pick up at your local pharmacy-

"Does this happen often?" Will inquires, still uncomfortable from the way Alicia's on edge, from her pain. In those first few moments after it had happened, all Alicia had done was scream into a pillow for all the wrong reasons, and all Will could do was hold her to his chest.

"Oh, every now and again," the nurse shrugs, trying to appear nonchalant. Cases like these make her night in the ER entertaining. She moves to leave, catching Will's attention with her wrinkled pointer finger.

"Next time, honey, go with Italian. You can even do the whole _Lady and the Tramp_ thing afterwards, huh? Eating out at the _same time," _the nurse cackles, turning on her heel and whisking away.

Alicia and Will stare at one another, mortified.

/


End file.
